I normally don't agree with the guy in the White House, but I need to thank President Trump for giving me a new philosophy on life. It's not how things really are, it's how they look. With this new-found perspective, I've decided to make a few changes to my life.
In my bathroom, I've removed the mirror, the scale and my thermometer. As far as I know now, I look great, my weight is fine, and this warm feeling I have is based on my new positive way of living. I'd breathe a deep sigh of relief, but I'm presently having a little trouble with the whole inhaling and exhaling thing. No mind.
In the kitchen, I've taken out the fire alarm, the fire extinguisher and the meat thermometer. The way I see it now, no alarm means no fire, therefore no need for a fire extinguisher. As far as taking the temperature of cooked meat, if the outside looks good, I'm sure the inside is done to perfection. What could go wrong?
Throughout the rest of the house, I've removed those pesky plastic outlet protectors. Hey, if your children come over and want to exercise one of their constitutional rights and stick their fingers in my electrical outlets, I say let them. Curiosity is a good thing. (So I've been told.) I've also removed all window guards. Again, if your kids are curious about the laws of gravity — which I've never actually seen and wonder if they're really laws — who am I to get in their way? Isaac Newton, I am not. I'm also taking all my firearms out of their secure, locked areas ("safe spaces" I believe the liberals call them) and just leaving them where I can get to them as quickly as possible.
I'm already feeling better thanks to the inspired leadership coming out of Washington. If, as they say, ignorance is bliss — consider me blindly giddy. Now I have more time to go after those voter fraudsters running on my front lawn!