No Child Left Behind, the often-controversial law aimed at improving education in the United States, was replaced Thursday when the Every Student Succeeds Act was signed into law by President Obama.
Whether or not the new plan actually, ahem, succeeds, one thing is certain: Plenty of children were left behind, and it looks like many of them were fans of the St. Louis Cardinals.
Before anyone gets upset, I'm not saying anyone who roots for the Redbirds is lacking in smarts. I'm just saying that the vast number of their representatives on Twitter on Thursday definitely were.
Thursday was the day the news broke that outfielder Jason Heyward, loved by the self-proclaimed "best fans in baseball" for roughly a year, was suddenly Public Enemy No. 1. His transgression? Daring to have the audacity to leave St. Louis.
When it became known Heyward and the Cubs had agreed to an eight-year, $184 million contract (more on that later), the fans took to Twitter to voice their displeasure.
The vast number of them used despicable slurs that left me shaking my head and worrying about the future of our country. But there were, thankfully, some unintentionally funny ones that showed just how stupid some of those "fans" were.
Many fell into the "Heyward, you're dead to me" vein. Hate to break it to you guys, but Heyward was never the least bit aware of you, and thus, not "alive to you."
Then there were the "I hope our pitcher hits Heyward in the chin guard on his batting helmet every time he bats." Like the St. Louis pitchers have such pinpoint control they could even do it once.
There were also the "Have fun running into the brick wall in the outfield at Wrigley" sentiments. Yeah, because that happens all the time there.
But perhaps the tweets that made me laugh the most were the ones posted by those fans who obviously finished last in every spelling bee they ever entered. Tons, and I mean tons, of fans couldn't wait to tell Heyward what a "trader" he was. The first time I read it, I thought I should tweet at the person that Heyward was a free agent and hadn't been traded. Then I realized the morons actually meant "traitor."
While I expected a certain amount of outrage, I guess I was surprised by the white-hot, burning rage that was on display. But upon further examination, I guess it's because the Cards lost twice to the Cubs on this one.
Not only did Chicago get the player both teams wanted, but it seemed - in the immortal word of Vizzini from "The Princess Bride" - INCONCEIVABLE that Heyward would leave for less money than what St. Louis was offering. Several reports cited a $200-million deal was on the table from the Cardinals, but Heyward liked the Cubs' offer, which included opt-out clauses after the third and fourth years that could end up making the Chicago deal worth more in the long run. Some outlets even noted Illinois' taxes are less than Missouri's, so he'll save money in that regard as well.
I'd take a moment to explain the fiscal benefits of the situation to these people, but if they can't spell, they can't grasp economics.
Heyward's signing also might have been the proverbial salt in the wound after the Cubs already beat out the Cardinals for another St. Louis free agent, pitcher John Lackey. St. Louis' offer to him must have been "lacking," which those stupid fans would probably spell as "Lackey."