The holidays can be difficult for people who have experienced a loss or simply can’t seem to find the joy of the season.
To help people struggling during the holidays, the First Christian Church of Jefferson City, at 327 E. Capitol Ave., is going to hold a special service, said Sarah Kingsbery, associate minister at the church.
Blue Christmas Service: For When Christmas Hurts is slated for 4 p.m. Dec. 16.
“Blue Christmas — or Longest Night — services are just opportunities to get people who are grieving, who are struggling, who are having a hard time getting into the joy and happiness of the holiday season to acknowledge that,” Kingsbery said. “And to also be around other people and to know that they are not alone.”
Blue Christmas is oftentimes Dec. 21, the winter solstice, and is held to honor people who have lost loved ones during the year.
The days are shorter during the holidays.
It gets darker sooner.
So, humanity tries to have festive celebrations to combat the seasonal effects, Kingsbery said.
And many people who have lost a family member will face the holiday without that family member for the first time.
“Blue Christmas is a safe space for people who are grieving, who have lost jobs or who are just struggling in other ways,” Kingsbery said.”There are people who are alone and just finding ways to acknowledge and be truthful about the struggle of the season and the joy of the season.”
The service will give people a chance to give thanks for those things in their lives that give them strength — to recognize the ways God is present and they aren’t truly alone.
It’s not just being in a service with other people who share similar struggles, Kingsbery said. The service also gives people permission to think about those challenges and to be able to consider where there still is hope.
The ceremony will involve fabric and stars, she said. People will write on the stars and connect them to the fabric.
“And they’ll be everyone’s prayers lighting up the darkness in the night sky,” she said. People will use the visual elements to try to connect with others and with themselves.
They are to be honest with others, themselves and God about mixed emotions and pain that can come with the holiday season.
In addition to the loneliness, the holidays oftentimes bring stress and unwelcome guests, according to the Mayo Clinic. The holidays present “a dizzying array of demands,” according to the clinic, parties, shopping, baking, cleaning and entertaining, just to name a few.
People can minimize stress, according to the clinic’s website, by acknowledging their feelings (particularly if they have lost a loved one), reaching out to other people (to become involved in social events), being realistic about the holidays, sticking to a budget and setting aside differences with family members.
Paul Tomlinson said the holidays are supposed to be the happiest time of the year.
“People have this built-in expectation that they are supposed to be happier than they are,” said Tomlinson, a psychologist with the Compass Health Network. “(They think) I don’t feel that kind of holiday cheer that they talk about.”
It can cause people to sometimes spiral into depression this time of year.
“It’s well known that the holidays are a time when we are forced to interact with people that we maybe don’t (choose to interact with) any other time of year,” he said. “We have complicated relationships that we have to navigate. It should be warm and collegial or warm and loving, and it’s not with a friend or family member.”
Manage expectations, Tomlinson advises.
“The less you expect, the more chance you have to be delighted,” he said. “It’s never a bad time to mend fences. It’s never a bad time to reach across fences and forgive.”
People carry unforgiveness with them all the time, he said.
“It’s a bitter grudge,” Tomlinson said. “If you’re bitter, it doesn’t hurt them. It just hurts you. You’re taking the poison.”
He suggests people make a list of people who have wronged them and make a conscious effort to forgive them.
Additionally, there is a myth the suicide rate goes up during the holidays, he said.
That’s not true, he said.
“Even if you’re depressed, one of the factors that goes into suicide is feeling a lack of belonging. The holidays have this ability to force us to interact with people,” Tomlinson said. “They have a sort of protective factor.”
Having connections with people — and being around other people — is a very protective factor against suicide, he said.
Tomlinson, who while in high school lost his father 12 days before Christmas, said the holiday was devastating. Events like Blue Christmas can be helpful.
“God bless them for doing those kinds of things,” Tomlinson said. “The holiday highlights the loss of a loved one. The holidays are a complex picture when it comes to mental and emotional functioning.”
The Dec. 16 event is intended to let people know it is OK to struggle during the holidays.
“This is for everyone who is struggling,” Kingsbery said. “It isn’t just for First Christian Church families that are struggling or alone. We’re hoping we can make this a welcoming place for anyone to find some solace this season.”