Group offers support, solidarity for grieving parents

Jennifer Bish lights a candle next to an ultrasound and memorabilia of her daughter Saturday at her house in Russellville. Bish had a miscarriage and lost her daughter in 2014.
Jennifer Bish lights a candle next to an ultrasound and memorabilia of her daughter Saturday at her house in Russellville. Bish had a miscarriage and lost her daughter in 2014.

"Miscarriage is one of the loneliest experiences I have ever had to endure," Jefferson City mom Jennifer Bish wrote in The Odyssey Online.

The deep grief of losing a child a parent has not yet met is unlike any other, said Tammy Kanatzar, chaplain at Capital Region Medical Center.

The Wings of Hope support group offers a place where parents of similar experience can meet and share their stories.

"When a family loses a baby, it is possibly the worse thing that they will ever face," Kanatzar said. "It's out of the normal range of nature; babies don't die."

One in four women, who are employees, bosses, volunteers and customers, carry this lifelong emotional wound with them everywhere, all the time.

While the support group helps mothers and other family members know their grief and response to it is "normal," they often find hurtful comments made by well-meaning friends or coworkers.

"Miscarriage and baby loss is, for the most part, a subject in our society that isn't talked about enough, not to mention that if you have never experienced this type of loss then you truly have no idea how painful it can be," Bish wrote.

Unsuccessfully trying to be supportive, she found people saying things like, "It's been a month already, you should be over this by now" or "It wasn't even a baby yet, so don't worry."

"They meant well, but none of these were helpful," she said.

For parents who have lost a baby before birth, it is "a very deep grief they will never get over," Kanatzar said. "We can help them get through it and find a new 'normal.'"

Bish agreed seeking a support group or some other form of support is important so they "know that they are not alone and that there are people who understand."

The support group allows parents who have faced the trauma of passing would-be milestone anniversaries, such as when the baby would have been walking or the due date, to reassure parents facing those sad days for the first time.

"It might be weird to the outside," Kanatzar said. "But I tell them, whatever helps is OK."

For some parents, they might hang a stocking with the baby's name at Christmas or plant a flower bed in his or her memory.

Because it is often an unspoken taboo, those around the grieving parents might think it odd to do things for the lost child or think it would be more comfortable to act like it never happened, Kanatzar said.

"But one of these moms' worst fears is that everyone forgets," she said. "Mentioning it may hurt her, but she values that people remember."

Instead of well-intended cliches like "it wasn't a baby yet" or "I know how you feel," Kanatzar suggested coworkers or friends should simply be present and note that one is "thinking about" or "praying for" them.

"That's their precious baby," she said. "It's rare (that) loss is (ever) a relief."

There may be social scenarios that are too much for these parents to handle - for example, attending a baby shower, Kanatzar said.

"When people don't understand, it adds to the grief," she said.

No matter the gestational age of the child, the loss is felt the same, Kanatzar said. For those who have not experienced such a loss, she said, they sometimes make the mistake of using that as a measure, she said.

"In a miscarriage, you lose not only the baby but the hopes and dreams for that baby," she said.

Another mistaken assumption made by those outside this experience is there is a timeline for the grief to subside.

"There is no magic number; it's how a person handles their grief," Kanatzar said. "They need as much time as they need."

So the loss may have been 20 years ago, but when milestones pass on the calendar or something triggers a memory, the parent may still return to that fresh grief, Kanatzar said.

"Grief can bubble out without a reason," she said. "They will grieve for the rest of their lives."