Jefferson City mother shares insight in adopting children

Katie McIlwain can pinpoint the moment her life changed - it was at 5 p.m. Oct. 30, 2013.

She came home early from work and prepared beds for two little boys. Shortly after, three-year-old Chandler and two-year-old Dakota arrived at her door. As a newly-licensed foster parent, it was McIlwain's first time taking in children.

"They didn't have anything with them but the clothes on their backs," McIlwain, 33, of Jefferson City, said.

The brothers didn't seem to notice, though. Chandler explored her home, saying "wow" when discovering something new. McIlwain's first and only child at the time, Daniel Brown, chased him around from room to room. Meanwhile, Dakota scoured the kitchen cabinets searching for food. McIlwain fed him fruit cups while cooking more filling food.

"I took Dakota in my arms, he came right to me," she said. "He was just so caring and lovey-dovey."

He still is, the only difference now is he's officially her son. The same goes for Chandler and the boys' older brother, Connor. McIlwain, a single mother, adopted the sibling group on Sept. 18, a moment she said was "meant to be."

"I think from the very beginning (I felt that way) because they just came to me like they were my children from the get go," she said. "To take care of them and love them and cherish it ... It's hard to explain, something just comes over you."

Over the next two months, McIlwain fell in love with the boys. She had to say goodbye, though, as they went to live with their grandpa. McIlwain waited until they left to shed her tears, and she leaned on friends and other foster parents.

Missouri is a reunification state, meaning bringing children and their parents back together is the goal, if that's a safe option. The Children's Division tries to place children with relatives or kinship in order to attempt to attain normalcy while in foster care.

Though the boys were no longer in her care, McIlwain and Brown kept in contact - sending birthday cards, texts and Christmas presents.

"I fell in love and so attached to the boys already," she said. "At the age of two, Dakota was already calling me mom."

When their grandfather was diagnosed with a chronic disease and could no longer keep up with two young boys, McIlwain opened up her home again, though the fear of them leaving again loomed - a feeling shared among foster parents. Days turned into months, and McIlwain got to know Connor, Chandler, Dakota and her biological son better.

She watched Brown, 13, show his creativity, taking apart objects and putting them back together; witnessed Connor, 7, reading, teaching others, and excelling in football, soccer and baseball; observed Chandler, 5, solving puzzles, becoming a mini-movie buff and giving compliments out of the blue; and spotted Dakota, 4, burning off energy and giving hugs.

Then, the boys needed permanent placement and McIlwain made a lifelong commitment to them, becoming their mother. They had already been calling her "Mom," which followed "Katie" and "Mama Katie." They took the last name of Brown, the same as their new eldest brother. Daniel Brown, who wants to study mechanical engineering, said now he has potential partners for his future automotive shop.

"Mom and I always talk about my future career and a family business, and how it would be cool to have official brothers," Daniel Brown said.

McIlwain maintains contact with the boys' family, spending time with their half-siblings and their foster mom.

"It's important not to break that bond," McIlwain said.

To make it work on her own, McIlwain, an accounts manager at Winter-Dent Insurance Agency, said she plans ahead, budgets carefully and enforces the chores list.

In the future, she said she's looking forward to their family learning more about one another and her boys growing into men.

"I look at them," McIlwain said, "and I think about what they're going to be."