I don't want you to think I'm calling either the Jets' Sheldon Richardson or the Patriots' Tom Brady a lady, but I can't help thinking of Shakespeare's famous line from Hamlet when it comes to these two: "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."
These two have been at the forefront of some big NFL news that came down last week, and both of them were doing too much protesting for my liking.
Let's start with Brady, and a case that should be heading to its conclusion, although I'm beginning to think it will never truly go away.
By now, everyone's familiar with the "Deflategate" case. Nauseatingly familiar.
But to sum it up in 50 words or less: The NFL says Brady cheated by using underinflated footballs in last year's AFC Championship game. Brady says he didn't knowingly do so. The NFL says he did know, and has suspended him for the first four games of this coming season. (See, 41 were all the words I needed.)
This case has been dragging on for months. As in months to get the investigation completed. And then months to rule. Then only a few hours to file an appeal, but then months to rule on the appeal.
The long and short of it is NFL commissioner Roger Goodell upheld the league's ruling and said Brady has to sit for those four games. Brady refused to take his medicine like a man and instead took the case into federal court, where he has asked a judge to overturn the ruling.
To me, this case boils down to two things.
The first thing is I think Brady cheated.
While the NFL's case is weak at best on a lot of points, the most damning thing to me is the league told Brady to turn over his cellphone as part of the investigation. Brady destroyed it before an investigator could look for evidence Brady communicated with equipment managers on his desire for deflating the balls.
If Brady had nothing to hide, he sure as heck would have turned over the phone. He protested too much, instead of just disproving it, and now looks shady as a result.
The second thing is - and this is borne out by years of evidence - Brady will most likely end up serving none of that suspension.
I don't know if it's because the NFL has the worst lawyers ever, or if the NFL Players Association just hires better ones, but the NFL almost always comes out on the losing end of appeals. I'm not sure why the league even acts like it has any power to levy fines or suspensions, because it seems like if someone has the will to fight those punishments, they'll get them overturned or lessened to an extent that they're no longer punitive.
Now on to Richardson, who did his best this week to lessen the attention on Brady by acting like a knucklehead, which seems to be his default setting.
Already suspended for the first four games of this season for drug use, Richardson was back in the news this week after details emerged of his arrest July 14 following a high-speed chase in St. Charles County.
It seems the former Missouri Tiger not only decided to reach speeds of 143 mph in his 2014 Bentley Silver Spur - by the way, even Sheldon should be able to figure out that's more than double the speed limit no matter if the posted mark was 60, 65 or 70 - and did it while trying to evade a police officer.
Oh, by the way, he also did it with a 12-year-old boy as a passenger. And with another important co-pilot - a fully loaded semi-automatic handgun under the driver's side floor mat. And just for good measure, when he finally got pulled over, the officer said the car smelled of marijuana.
Let's see: 143 mph, kid in car, gun in car, odor of marijuana. That plus the free space will win you moving-violation bingo every time.
Here's where Sheldon starts to protest too much, instead of just shutting up.
At a media appearance Thursday, before the news surfaced, Sheldon had these gems:
About the drug suspension: "I apologized to my teammates and my organization and I told them they don't have to worry about my name being in the news again."
Whoops, wrong there.
About drugs in general: "I'm not a dope fiend."
That's after he admitted he wouldn't appeal his suspension, because "I failed every drug test and this drug test, so there was no reason to appeal."
About the high-speed chase: It was "just one bad night."
What were those other nights when he failed the repeated drug tests? I guess he would call those good ones.
Making things even worse? Despite all his yapping, Sheldon knew bad news was coming and failed to let anyone on the Jets know.
"His actions will speak louder than his words going forward," Jets coach Todd Bowles said after getting caught off-guard.
Which should help Sheldon from protesting too much.