Grief can be a difficult emotion for anyone to face. But for a child, it can become debilitating.
Helping children who are grieving after losing a loved one was the mission of a free, one-day retreat for children Saturday.
Camp MAGIC, which stands for Mending a Heart, Grief in Children, offered a variety of activities that are creative, therapeutic and fun.
The camp, which was hosted by Sisters of St. Mary's Hospice (SSM), was for children age 6-12 who have lost a loved one within the last year, said Jony Lootens, bereavement social worker with SSM. Many of the children have lost grandparents, and others have lost siblings or parents, Lootens said.
The program has been in St. Louis for the last three years and in Illinois for two. This is the first year for the Jefferson City program, Lootens said.
"I think there is definitely a need in the community to have something like this," Lootens said. "Children are the forgotten mourners because parents think they are okay because (after learning of someone's death) 10 minutes later they are outside playing ball. They cannot process it all at one time. They know that death has occurred, they know that it is irreversible, but they are not quite sure how to cope with it."
This program's purpose is to provide children a safe place to express their grief while engaging in activities that normalize their feelings. It also promotes communication between parents and children, as well as gives children a sense of unity while being with others who have experienced loss.
Camp MAGIC bases much of it activities and programs off of the studies of Alan Wolfelt, author and thanatologist. Wolfelt says there are 12 dimensions of childhood grieving, which are a lack of feeling, physiological changes, disorganization and panic, acting-out behavior, fear, loss and loneliness, regressive behavior, "Big Man" or "Big Woman" syndrome, explosive emotions, guilt and self-blame, relief and the finally reconciliation.
The lack of feeling is a protective mechanism that allows children to cope, and regressive behavior is when a child wants to return to a previous level of comfort they felt earlier in life, according to Wolfelt's work. Regression can manifest in a child's need to be nursed or rocked, or they may have increased separation anxiety. The big man or woman syndrome is the opposite of regression, or when a child starts acting a lot older than their age.
There is no particular order in which the dimensions occur, and children's responses are unique to themselves, so some dimensions may not be noticeable. But for all children the final stage is reconciliation, Wolfelt states in his essay, "The Forgotten Mourners."
Wolfelt's essay also states that by the age of 7 children understand that death is irreversible, all life functions end at the time of death, everything that is alive dies eventually and that death is caused for physical reasons. However, a child's grieving process can be affected by a large number of factors such as the nature of the death, the personality of the deceased, the reactions of the caregivers and the child's previous experiences with death.
The National Association of School Psychologists recommend the following tips for teachers, parents and caregivers of grieving children:
• Allow children to be the teachers about their grief experiences.
• Don't assume that every child in a certain age group understands death in the same way or with the same feelings.
• Grieving is a process, not an event.
• Don't lie or tell half-truths to children about the tragic event.
• Help all children, regardless of age, to understand loss and death.
• Encourage children to ask questions about loss and death.
• Don't assume that children always grieve in an orderly or predictable way.
• Let children know you really want to understand what they need and are feeling.
• Children will need long-lasting support.
• Keep in mind that grief work is hard.
• Understand that grief work is complicated.
• Be aware of your own need to grieve.